Not-Quite Engagement Chicken

Do you read Glamour magazine? If so, you’ve surely seen this recipe before. Supposedly possessing some magic that makes even the most stubborn boyfriend propose soon after being served, “Engagement Chicken” is something of a girl-world phenomenon. All I know is, I suddenly found myself with some citrus fruit and a raw chicken after a random trip to the supermarket, and this recipe popped into my head. Unfortunately I have no special someone to woo with poultry at the moment, so instead I will test this recipe on my unsuspecting gay friend, Gus. I have no desire to marry him, so I’m aiming for the next best thing: allowing me to watch one whole episode of “Say Yes To The Dress” in his presence without protest. I figure that is the gay equivalent of a marriage proposal. 

This recipe is super simple—just lemons, salt, pepper, chicken and “herbs for garnish”. However, in keeping with my “not-quite” theme, I’m using limes and one lemon (all I had in the house), and adding a bit of dried rosemary (from my aunt’s garden) and garlic powder (from Costco) to the outside of the chicken before putting it into the oven. Also, I poured on a few glugs of olive oil over the top of the chicken after the initial 15 minutes of cooking upside down. Because who doesn’t love moist breasts?

Oh, and as you can see from the photo above, this recipe also requires unceremoniously shoving lemons (or limes, in my case) up your chicken’s ass. This was probably the most difficult step of the preparation. As I violated my poor little chicken’s carcass, I mentally composed a quick note to Glamour’s editors:

Dear Food Editor,

Chickens do not have room for 3 lemons in their assholes. Nor do they have room for 2 limes and a lemon, as was the case in my kitchen today. My chicken currently has a lemon shakily perched on its back legs. Please update your Engagement Chicken recipe accordingly.

Sincerely,

Concerned Chicken Connoisseur

P. S. I am making my chicken for a gay. Do you have any “get a hot, straight boyfriend” chicken recipes you’re hoarding?

(Update: After about 45 minutes in the oven, the lemon completely fell out and rolled around the roasting pan for the duration of the cooking time. What a waste.)

Could've been lemonade

Alas, after a mere 90 minutes and a few bastings, the chicken was ready and super tasty looking.

Nom nom nom

I invited Gus over for a little chicken tasting and TV watching.

Who chooses sex over freshly roasted chicken?!?

An hour, a text message and one annoyed phone call later and I found out that he was busy hanging out with his new squeeze, and was not available for chicken eating this evening. Sigh.

Verdict: I can’t speak for its engagement worthiness, nor even its chick TV watching worthiness, although the recipe notes DO specify that it may take a bit of time to produce the desired affect (if I reach my goal anytime within the next month, I’ll consider it a success and update you lovely readers). As for its tastiness, I give this recipe a full 5 out of 5. The chicken was moist and flavorful, and had a nice crackly skin and assertive lemony/limey/rosemary-y flavor. I served it with some of Ina Garten’s toasty bread croutons (a MUST), a little pile of veggies and a glass of Matua Sauvignon Blanc. And after dinner, promptly got down on one knee and proposed to myself.

I do.